Uncomfortable

It’s so crazy to think that this time last year I was finishing up my senior year of undergrad and anticipating GRAD SCHOOL!!

It honestly seems like forever ago!!!  I was on the outside looking in then and it’s so funny…I always tell everyone I had this romanticized view of grad school. Now i’m completely immersed in it and it’s not the least bit romantic haha! It’s very uncomfortable; but that’s not necessarily bad.

The things is…I prayed for this moment. I was reading over some old notes in my prayer journal and I asked God to make me uncomfortable; recognizing that I wouldn’t be able to grow without it. Now i’m in the midst of this whole grad school thing and my first thought was, “Okay God, why?” and He gently reminded me. I’ve asked Him on so many occasions to make me more like Jesus and to just be a better version of myself. This is apart of it. There are tests and a pruning process that are inevitable. Grad school has forced me to confront my fears and has just ultimately pushed me to my own limits. I recognize that I can’t do this on my own, and maybe that’s exactly the place that God needed me to be.

I’ve probably said this before, but my faith has been stretched SO much this year! For the most part, what you’ve seen me talk about alot is grad school (if you follow my other social media accounts)…but there’s just so much more that I can’t even begin to describe. I ultimately think grad school is just the lesson; a period to refine and strengthen my faith. As I read through my old journals and i’m reminded of everything i’ve ever prayed to God for, I can see His fingerprints in little details of my life. He’s working…that’s undeniable…but’s it’s also like, “God I just want to know what you’re doing?” Uncertainty is very uncomfortable. I’ll be honest…I like a plan. I need to know the specifics! However, that’s not really how faith works.

Faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen (Hebrews 11:1).

For we walk by faith, not by sight (2 Corinthians 5:7).

I grew up hearing these things…but when it actually comes time to apply…I struggle there. I think grad school as a whole, in pushing me outside of my comfort zone, has added a whole new meaning to walking by faith and not by sight. I don’t think you truly ever learn what faith is until you’ve been through some trials. It’s very easy to trust God when things are easy and everything makes sense; but can you trust Him when the discomfort comes? When you don’t feel like showing up anymore or the circumstances make your prayers look like a waste of time…will you continue to have faith in Jesus? This is something that i’ve had to ask myself alot lately and something I want to say yes to…but i’ll be honest, it’s a scary thing. “Walking by faith…getting uncomfortable…is never easy. Something gets placed on the line…BUT God will always show up and do His part. I’ve seen it in my past and I believe it for my future.”

I’ll leave you with something God placed on my spirit this past week, “This is faith…where I have you right now; where you can’t see what i’m doing…and you don’t understand…and it doesn’t make sense.” God makes everything clear in His own time, we just have to be open to His leading.

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I wrote this before starting my first semester of grad school. I may not understand everything He’s doing, but God is faithful!

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